Series F – Improve Your Relationships & Marriage
Download Series F
Underlined thoughts diminish you – Thoughts with dots empower you
F-3 Relationship Tools:
My spouse ruins every TV program by talking during the clues, punch lines, and final analyses.
- By listening more intently most of the time, it will be easier for me to get him or her on pause at the critical times.
- You and your spouse choose a signal which means “Zip-it” for the moment; I will get back to you as soon as I can get free.
F-2 Clarifying Your Feelings (See also Downloadable Series E, Topics 6 & 7):
Once she starts to complain she never lets up.
- If I let her know that she has been heard she will let up.
- If she knows I have acted on something she has said she’ll think I am wonderful.
F-3 Relationship Clues & Cures:
My husband just closes up.
- He’s being the way he is because I’m being the way I’m being.
- I just learned that people who live in disapproval all stop talking.
- I guess I can’t expect a lot of affection if I don’t give any.
- He knows I never let up once I start.
- Now that he is listening more I praise him more; it’s a shame it took me so long to get that.
- Men tend to deal in issues; women tend to deal in feelings.
F-4 Fixing, Resisting & Controlling:
My daughter refuses to listen.
- If I can be more of a fan and less of a coach, she will seek out my company rather than try to get away from my cautions and criticisms.
- If I show her lifestyles she likes; it may encourage her to strive for them, without me trying to push her.
- If I had been more interested, available and approachable when she was young she’d be less inclined to fall for the first guy who seem good.
F-5 The Secret to Fix Others:
I feel powerless to get my son to be neater.
- I will praise him enthusiastically when he puts things away.
- I will not complain.
- I will remind myself that “My inclination to be neat doesn’t trump his inclination to be messy”.
- I will negotiate which areas can be messy which areas need to be standing tall.
F-6 The Bubble Concept:
When my boss uses harsh tones everyone in the office wants to quit.
- He alienates everyone and will not change.
- He has a good heart and doesn’t mean any harm by his gruff manner.
- He has a bubble where most of us have people skills.
- Because I accept him the way he is, he confides in me and gives me more responsibility.
- I have become valuable to him, and my associates know that when they need to get something from him I can get it done.
F-7 Reducing Conflict:
When my husband casts me in a bad light in front of friends I get furious.
- I will explain to him that when he tells others my faults it makes me feel unloved and disrespected. If you have problems with me I wish you would tell me. If you do I will listen.
- An affectionate response in public: “What would your life be like if you didn’t have me to nag?”
- A humorous response (in a group): “I’ll stop nagging when you stop wearing my clothes.”
- If he responds like he still doesn’t get it, tell him in private “Our friends have told me that it makes them uncomfortable when you criticize me in front of them.”
- If that doesn’t work say that to him in a group so all can hear.
I can’t get my child to learn.
- I will test to see whether John has physical problems like hearing or vision, emotional problems, a social problems, or bubbles?
- I will get him any therapy, tutor or tools what will help him in class.
How can I make it easier for him or her?
- To validate my son I will support his non-school interests more so my push for better grades doesn’t seem like the only thing I care about.
- I will try to get my daughter into activities with kids who are more ambitious than her current classmates; or do the things she likes best.
- I will try to expose my daughter to experiences that may spark her interest.
I can’t get my husband to stop; he bounces checks even when we have money.
- It’s a blessing that he can bring home the bacon.
- I will try to cover for him.
- Accounting is a bubble we both have. I’ll look for a bookkeeper we can afford or who can mentor us.
I am a neat nick and my wife is Mrs. T J Max; it’s never the same pace twice.
- Looks like I will be living in a lot more clutter than I want.
- She sees value in everything.
- I can live with it if she’ll keep her collecting out of the office, the garage and the front of the house.
I can’t control my temper.
- I have been using my temper to get my own way.
- I use my temper when I can’t justify what I want.
- My relationships will improve now that I am more empathetic.
- I getting it; the emotions I use I choose and I am responsible for.
F-8 Making Your Point:
He gets difficult about too many things.
- I will tell him that I am considering changing something about how we interact.
- If we make this change I want you to be happy with it.
- What are your ideas on the matter?
- Let’s try it out long enough to get used to it and change our change if it isn’t working?
He seems to like confrontations.
- I avoid discussions that are likely to get confrontational.
- I can be more persuasive if I wait for the right moment to present my case.
- I don’t feel the need to win, just to be heard.
F-9 Arguments are Opportunities for A Peace Process:
All I do is defend myself and everyone thinks I’m a terrible person.
- My protestations tell others that I would rather be defensive or escalate the matter than take responsibility for behavior they consider inappropriate.
- I am beginning to get it; my anger is to get my own way or to keep me from having to defend what I say.
My anger causes others to shut me out which only makes me madder.
- If I truly valued anyone else I would never show my anger.
- I am learning that my anger disrespects others.
- Before I can regain some friendships I will have to be more civil for a long time.
F-10 Dwindling Romance:
I have quit trying because he’s so set in his ways.
- What am I doing that triggers or prolongs his stubbornness?.
- Stop trying to control or fix him.
- Give up all of my resentment.
- Show more interest in the things he does.
- Show him appreciation
- Be more affectionate
- Assume the responsibility for my own happiness
F-11 Refreshing – Your Relationship:
She uses the silent treatment all the time. I am beginning to get it. When I don’t listen to her hurts, it tarnishes our relationship.
- I eventually do everything she asks but I am not careful to acknowledge that I am doing it in response to her request.
- If I started to put some of her things near the top of my to-do list, my stuff would still get done, and she wouldn’t think I was wonderful.
- I will set aside time for an old fashioned date on a regular basis.
- I will show more interest in the things she does.
I’ve given up on him; he’s a workaholic.
- Maybe I am not that interesting to come home to.
- Maybe I need interests of my own so I have something interesting to talk about
- He isn’t going to give me more time if I continue to withhold my appreciation, approval, and affection.
- The more fun I am the more time he will try to make for us.
- I’ll go out of my way to show him thanks?
- Every other Wednesday I’ll plan a date.
- Every day we will set aside 10 minutes to chat and coordinate our efforts; no criticisms allowed.
- If I show more interest in his work he will make more time for my company.