Conflicts as Bonding Opportunities
Dave Chat – Relationship Series
Sally vented about some problems in their relationship in very heated terms. As she started Hal was looking for the right time to say:
• You were brave to bring up these subjects.
• I heard what you said and you made some good points.
• I look forward to working with you on all of them.
But her comments got vindictive for no apparent reason. Hal was hurt and speechless. So instead of praising her or complaining he just walked away. He figured she would lighten up start over in a few days. But she never did.
Hal did everything he could to address the issues she raised, but she didn’t seem to notice. He was reluctant to deal with her most serious issue; intimacy. Hal didn’t have the nerve to tell Sally what she would surely have taken as criticism. So they never had that conversation, nor did they have the warmth they had earlier in their marriage.
Because they both failed to take the next step; they sat back to back for the rest of their lives.
Insights
Even though Sally would not have known to ask, what she really wanted was for her man to show he thought she was worth fighting for (what all other women want to know). She guessed that when he walked away he was saying NO. She guessed wrong.
As a possibility thinker, Hal was always looking for a better way. Sally saw criticism in virtually everything he ever said. That had already shut down conversation between them to only a few safe subjects. So he was pleased when she blurted out the intimacy problem, he couldn’t find the courage to share what she needed to hear and do.
The baggage they were carrying caused them both to miss read this opportunity.
When issues have been bugging a person for a long time and they finally get the courage (or provocation) to vent, their frustration can come out in ugly terms they didn’t intend or couldn’t control. Asking the other person to apologize will sound like controlling; perhaps an item on their list of issues. Be thankful for the risk they have taken.
Don’t take any of it personally. The other person’s ugliness only reveals how strongly they feel on the issues. It will be forgotten immediately, especially if you give them a pass and let them know that their needs will be heard and acted on. If you embrace the opportunity to solve a major problem your stock will skyrocket. That’s why ugly incidents are often thresholds to healing wounds in a relationship. The joy of resolving touchy issues with your mate is the inspiration for the term make-up sex.
Have no unfinished business. An accident, like the one that took Sally, could take either of you at any time. Hal’s regret for not speaking up will be with him for the rest of his life.
Skills
• Your goal is not to win but to support each other’s needs.
• Keep your tone cordial because the wrong tone can cause more harm than the incident itself.
• Never comment on the other person’s attitude, demeanor or motivation; that will only fan the flames and produce defensiveness.
• If the above approach isn’t working ask for a time out; never just walk away. That comes off as passive aggression.
• Don’t argue or defend yourself
• Convey that none of these issues are as important as your relationship
• Apologize right upfront quickly even if you did nothing wrong. It is disarming. If you do, it’s a non-issue; if you don’t it a major issue.
• Limit the entire discussion to their points. Save your counter-points for another time
• Overreaction can be brought on by a bigger issue elsewhere in the unloader’s life. The person who got chewed out unfairly at work will not be in complete charge of his or her emotions at home when he learns that the house payment was late. Take the heat graciously and look on the bigger issue where you could offer some comfort.
If another conversation is required
• Make sure again that the other person knows their issues were heard.
• Listen until they wind down so they don’t feel the need to repeat themself.
• Allow enough time to go by for rethinking; maybe two weeks or so.
• consider a pleasant getaway to be apart to allow time for mending or rethinking
